MOM READ HER DIARY

Dear Jellybean,

I've gotten to the age where puberty's taken over, and my thoughts aren't so much about school anymore... they're about boys. Well, my mom recently found my diary, which I write my feelings and thoughts about boys in. When she found it, she said "Would you mind telling me what this is about?" and my response was, "At least I'm writing them down and not going out and doing anything!" And now, my mom's lost her trust in me. I just want to know how to get my mom to understand that I'm not a little girl anymore. JellyBean, help?
-The Untrusted

Dear Long to be Gone,

So let me get this straight. Your mom read your private diary without asking permission, but she has lost trust in you? Something seems to be a bit, ahem, backwards here.

We all have secret thoughts, fantasies, feelings, revenge plots, whatever. That's the stuff of our inner life, and whether we keep it all inside in a heart-shaped box, or pour it out into a journal, it's incredibly personal and private. Very often, as you say, writing out these feelings is a substitute for actually doing anything about them. It's a bit like going to a haunted house to experience the thrill of being scared, but not wanting to experience terrorizing situations in real life. Diaries are important outlets precisely because they let you practice feelings, and express "forbidden" thoughts, that you would never act on in reality.

Your mom got freaked because she didn't realize you had those thoughts. But she's going down a hard road, if she plans to become the thought police. I guarantee you that your mom has wild and crazy thoughts too, it's just that nobody's prying on them and accusing her of being untrustworthy. Your mom is probably scared by the realization that she doesn't know every single thing you're thinking (because you don't say everything out loud anymore, like you did when you were a little kid). She's worried that you'll do something crazy and mess up your life... but she's probably over reacting.

So now it's time for a little reassurance. Your mom needs to know you're still a good kid, even though you sometimes have "wicked" thoughts (and don't we all). Try to talk to your mom honestly about your feelings every day, whether it's how you feel about a teacher or the weather, or something more important like your political views, your feelings about your body changing, or your daily struggles with friends and the opposite sex.

You're growing up, and this means your relationship with your mom will go through a change, whether she wants it to or not. You're making the transition from childhood to adulthood, and that means experiencing new feelings and eventually trying new things too. If you and your mom can keep an open dialogue going, and do your best to be honest with each other every day, you'll find that the trust builds naturally, and your relationship will mature right along with your growing body.

Do tell your mom that your main goal is to have a great relationship with her, so you know you can always go to her when you need to talk, or to get support for what you're going through in these years. You might even want to show your mom this letter, to show her how seriously you're taking all this, and how much you want her to understand and love you. Believe me, your mom knows you're not a little girl anymore, that's why she's freaking. Keep showing her you're a good person, and keep talking to her about your life. Good luck.