HOW TO TALK TO MOM

Dear Jellybean,

me and my mom used to have a really strong relationship, but we have drifted apart when I started having serious relationships. there was less and less that I wanted to tell her or talk to her about... I just feel like if I talk to her about some things that she wont accept me or my decisions. I know my mom will love me no matter what.. I just know that she will never look at me the same. I know she knows most of the things I want to talk to her about, I can just tell by the way she talks. but I just cant get up the guts to tell my mom myself. how do I get over shyness with my mom..?
Sincerely,
Confused daughter

Dear Confused daughter,

You're making a big assumption, that your mom won't accept you or your decisions. Remember what Homer Simpson said about what happens when you assume? (You make an "ass" out of "u" and "me", lol). I'm not saying that you're not right, just not you might not be. Maybe your mom would deal better than you think, especially if she's guessed a lot about what's going on already. In fact, inviting your mom into your life, by sharing information honestly (instead of being secretive and making her guess) could transform your relationship into a more mature, loving version of what you've got now.

The best thing you can do is to start talking to your mom about the little things, not just the big things. So when she asks, "How was school?" - don't just blow her off with a quick "fine". Actually tell her about something from you day, like the funny thing your Social Studies teacher said, what you did at lunchtime, or the disagreement you had with a friend.

What I'm saying is, build a strong connection with your mom by talking about random stuff, every day. It's pretty tough to go from not sharing any stuff with your mom, to announcing major changes. Keep the lines of communication open, and yak to your mom about the small things. That way, you get in the habit of conversation, and it's easier to bring up the bigger things. Be sure not to make this one-sided, either. Ask about your mom's day too, and really listen and try to care.

As for those more serious conversations, I do understand that some things are hard to talk to moms about. But give your mom some credit - she was once a teenager too, and she might understand more than you think. Talking to your mom about the pressures you face, and/or the things your friends are doing, might be a good start.

Build up to talking about the bigger things, and then when you're ready, tell your mom you have something important to talk to her about. Don't just launch into a conversation right that moment, though - "schedule" it for a time when mom isn't rushed or busy, like after dinner. Help her do the dishes then settle down to a chat.

Be honest with your mom about your nervousness, and where it comes from (wanting to be close to her like you used to be, and the fear that she won't like you as much if she knows the truth). If you're still feeling shy or confused about what to say, you could write down point-form notes beforehand, to guide you through the conversation. You may even want to think about how your mom might react to your news, and plan the most effective response.

It may not be easy, and your mom might get upset by what she hears. But try not to give up on communicating with her. It can be freaky for a parent who's used to making the decisions for their kids, to adjust to seeing you as an independent person who makes her own choices. Your mom also may not agree with your decisions, and think you made a "wrong" choice. But it's still better to be honest with each other, and work through these issues together, because it's the mature thing to do, and essential for your relationship as you grow into an adult. Part of growing up, too, is accepting that you aren't your mom's perfect little girl anymore, and learning to share your true, evolving self with your family.

Remember to speak respectfully, and let your mom talk without interruption when it's her turn. Try to listen to what she has to say, don't just make it a monologue, and try not to raise your voice, roll your eyes, and so on. With lots of effort on both your parts, hopefully conversation will become a habit in your family, and this will be the beginning of a stronger, more rewarding bond between you and your mom.