HOW TO TALK TO MOM ABOUT THE PILL

Dear Jellybean,

I've searched through your articles, and you encourage girls to talk to their parents if they want to go on the pill. I agree with this; however, I see no where that actually explains how to talk to your parents about this touchy subject. Regarding myself, I want to talk to my mom about it, but I'm worried about her reaction since I'm sure this is a part of my life she has yet to understand. My boyfriend and I have our STD tests in check, condoms in hand, but now I want to be on the pill and I don't want that to be a big secret between my parents and me. How do I talk to them about it rationally, hopefully preventing a major parental freak-out?
-Help me get it in the open!

Dear Help me,

I commend you for your mature approach to this issue. I'm also thrilled to hear that you've got your STD tests and condoms at the ready, since these are essentials for sexual activity, but unfortunately, they are steps that many young AND older people skip in their rush to get physical.

Your responsible attitude should go a long way towards making this talk with your mom go easier. However, it is still a huge challenge to talk to parents about sex, without unleashing a freak-out, as you say. I will offer you my advice. I can't guarantee that your mom won't go off the handle, but if you are able to remain calm, you can probably help her to remain that way too.

Before you even open the conversation, spend some time on your own, thinking about what you want to gain from having this conversation. You already know that you don't want to keep big secrets from your parents. What else is important to you? Are you looking for your parents' approval? What would you do if they don't give it to you? and do you? (Would you change your behavior and stop having sex/not start? Or would you carry on with your BF, and hope your parents eventually came around?) Do you want your parents to pay for your contraception?

Consider what the best outcome for this conversation could be, and think about the worst one as well. Prepare yourself for either, and know how you could react calmly and maturely if things don't go as you hope.

When you're ready to talk, approach your parents at a quiet time, when they're not busy or distracted. Ask them if they have some uninterrupted time to talk. If humor is appreciated in your family, you could break the ice by saying, "This is probably a first for teen-parent relations, but I actually want to talk to you about my sex life." Be aware that even the coolest parents might get light-headed when they hear that you HAVE a sex life. You can quickly follow that up with, "I'm not sexually active yet, but I think I'm ready, and I want to be completely safe about it." Then tell them about your STD check and your awareness of the need to use condoms.

Your parents will probably ask you a lot of questions, including testing you on why you feel ready to have sex at this time. Be ready for this, and know what you're going to say. Keep in mind that your answers should be emotionally honest, but not so detailed that your parents cringe. After all, no matter how old you are, you are still your parents' little girl (and always will be), and they don't want to have to picture you doing certain stuff.

When it comes down to actually starting the conversation, it is important to find a time when nobody feels really pressured. If a person's parents are experiencing a lot of stress at a given time, then it's important to wait until the situation is less stressful. Try to find a time when the conversation won't be interrupted by other commitments anyone might have.

As the conversation proceeds, keep on telling your mom that you feel so lucky to have such a great relationship with her, that makes you comfortable talking to her about the intimate side of your life. Keep on reminding her that you know you're lucky to have such a great mom. This isn't just flattery - your mom needs to know that you still feel a bond with her. This may help her to feel safer about you making the very adult decision to have sex. It certainly can't hurt, in any case.

If your mom starts to freak-out, don't interrupt her, which will just push her panic higher. Wait until she's finished talking, and then use a calm, steady, quiet voice to bring things back down to earth. Empathize with her, by saying things like, "I know this is a hard conversation for you" or "It must feel so weird talking to me about this." But tell her, "Even though it's hard, I'm still so glad I can come to you with this."

If you are very lucky, your mom will keep an open mind during your conversation. You do the same, by listening openly to her concerns too. If you can keep things on a friendly level, and try to work through each other's objections or issues in a cooperative manner, then it's more likely that you'll achieve your goal with this conversation.

And if you end up deciding that it's just too hard to talk about, you can always write your parents a letter. But given the maturity you've shown so far, I think you have it in you to have this conversation, and make it work. Good luck!