HOME SCHOOLED AND HATES IT

Dear Jellybean,

I’ve been home schooled all my life, and I hate it. I’ve been begging my parents to let me go to public school, but they say it’s against our religion. I really don’t have any friends because I’m not allowed to do anything with them. I’ve never been to a movie in my life. I’m not allowed to listen to music, or watch TV. I’m not allowed to get my driver’s permit, or a job. Talking on the phone isn’t allowed either. And guys... well I’m basically not even allowed to look at them, much less date them. I’m 16 years old, and they treat me like I’m 5! I haven’t done anything to make them not trust me, and I’ve tried so many times to talk to them, but they believe that all I need is my three younger brothers for friends, and then of course themselves. They think I’m being rebellious even for asking if I can go to the mall with some girls or something! I’m seriously getting depressed, and I need to know what to do! I want to be normal, and I just want to have fun every now and then. I don’t like crying myself to sleep every night, I want my parents to understand me, but they just don’t! What am I supposed to do?!?! Please help me.

Dear Writer,

It can be awfully isolating to feel trapped at home, stuck only with your parents and siblings for company. And since your parents' rules sound extremely strict (no music, TV, movies, driving, etc.), it's no wonder that you've been shedding some tears.

There are certain benefits to being a home schooled teen, such as getting one-on-one attention and customized learning plans from your folks. You may even get a higher level of academic training. But what your parents may not realize is, a life that's all about work - and no fun at all - can lead to sadness, frustration, and even depression for teens.

School is normally a very important social outlet for kids. Part of the important learning that comes from being in school is how to be a responsible, socially agreeable, cooperative member of a community outside your family. As a home schooled teen, you are missing out on this. You might want to point this out to your parents. You are not only missing the chance to have fun - you're missing out on a serious part of developing into a well-adjusted adult who can function in larger society.

One day you'll need to leave home and get a job, or go off to college. If you've never had opportunities to socialize among your age group, that's going to be very intimidating for you. Great grades and high academic standards often aren't enough to get a person through. It's crucial to be able to work as part of a team of peers, to negotiate and share ideas with others, and so on.

Try talking to your parents again, and put things that way. You can even show them this letter, as a way of starting the conversation. If your parents absolutely won't listen to you when you talk about your need to socialize with other people your age - even a trip to the mall - then you may need to bring another adult into the discussion, who can bridge the communication gap between you and your parents. Try to think of an adult who you trust and who might listen to you, and who your parents respect as well. A religious leader, aunt, or even the parent of a friend may be able to help you talk to your folks about all this.

There are a few other things you can suggest to your parents, that they might allow. Many mothers and daughters are getting involved in book clubs together these days. Would your mom be interested in doing that with you? The idea is, a bunch of moms and their daughters get together once a month to discuss a book that they've all agreed to read. Often, snacks or lunch is part of it - whoever's house the club meets at, provides the food. Then the group meets at another person's house the next time, and it rotates around so everyone has a turn hosting. If there's not a mother-daughter book club in your area, you could start one with your mom. You could choose other kids who are home schooled to be in the group, or invite some of your friends who go to regular school.

In addition, because learning to work with others is so important for your future learning and career, your parents should be making an effort to have you participate in extra-curricular activities that they can approve of. These might include team sports, YMCA activities, the Boys and Girls Clubs of America, church groups and socials, etc. Talk to them about this, and offer to help research what's available in your area. At least they could agree to look at your research, and talk about it with you.

I also wonder, do your parents know that you've been crying yourself to sleep? They might not realize how much the lack of socializing is hurting you. Sometimes parents forget what it's like to be young, and to need to bond with other kids, who aren't siblings. The loneliness of missing out on "regular" teen life can be very real and painful for home schooled teens. Express your emotions to your parents - without accusing them - and share what's happening in your head and heart.

Good luck to you - I hope you and your parents can comprise, and that you can get some more fun into your life!