Dear Jellybean,
I really don't like my step-sister. She's really mean to me, insults my little sister and I a lot and if I even say one word back, no matter if it's nice or not, I get a lecture from my dad and step-mom. I am REALLY opinionated and it's hard not to say anything back. And it's not like she's younger than me or anything. She's 3 months older than me. What can I do? She thinks we're BEST FRIENDS! How can I let her down easy without being mean? She wants to hang out all the time but I don't like her in the least! We don't have any of the same interests or anything, not to mention her friends don't like me and my friends dislike her too. Help please, JB!
Sincerely,
Despising My Step-Sis
Dear Despising,
The nice thing about being related to someone is, you don't have to be their friend. If your step-sister was a family friend who was staying with you, you'd be obligated to try and help her make friends, invite her out with you, and act like she's one of your group. But since this girl is now a member of your immediate family, you don't have to do that stuff. If you don't share the same interests and your friends don't like her, nobody is saying that you two have to hang out, outside of the home. (If your dad IS saying that you have to, explain to him that she's your sister now, not your buddy).
However, you do have to be nice to her inside the home. This is just part of the normal way you're supposed to treat family members, with respect and kindness. Just because you're different, doesn't mean that she doesn't have feelings, and that her opinions don't matter. You can speak your opinions, as long as you express yourself kindly, but so can she. You two don't have to agree on everything, you just have to try to live in peace.
If your step-sister insults you, speak up, but don't explode. Give her the benefit of the doubt, since she might not have meant to hurt you, especially if you are easily offended. You could say something like, "I don't know if you realize it, but that's really insulting to me" or "Hey could you not call me a spaz? It hurts my feelings."
You're related to this girl now, which means - reality check - you CAN'T "let her down" - easy or not. You're stuck with her as a relative, at least as long as your dad and her mom are married. Treat her with kindness, or at least do your best to keep things peaceful at home.
Take a moment to put yourself in her shoes. This girl used to get all the attention and love from her mom. Now she's moved into your family, and there are two new girls - you and your sister - to compete with, plus a whole new family set-up to get used to. She likes you well enough - you say she wants to hang out all the time - and you, her new sister, don't return her affections. That's pretty sad for her, and she's probably feeling pretty low, and even depressed. No wonder she's acting out with insults and the like. Consider that giving your step-sister some much-needed love and kindness might go a long way towards making her act more nicely, and helping her to feel more normal in this situation. And you know what, it's also the right thing to do.
