Dear Jellybean,
I have this really weird problem and I don't really know how to word it. Sorry if it's a bit hard to follow. I was bullied severely back in the primary grades and I've been really different ever since. Deep down, I'm a very energetic and outgoing person, but after being bullied half the time I'm afraid to say anything because I'm afraid of what people will think. I am literally afraid of my own shadow sometimes. It's really hard for me to trust people because when I was bullied it involved everyone our age because anyone who stuck on my side ended up being hurt too (DRAMA :P). Anyways, now whenever I'm hanging out with my friends I kind of feel fake because I don't really know who the real me is anymore. And to make it all worse, I have been crushing on my guy-friend for such a long time but I'm afraid to tell him. I don't feel like I can tell people these problems because they'd treat me as if I was delicate or something. I just want to be understood. I don't really know what the question is here, i guess I just need some general advice. Thanks so much for your time,
-Seriously Confuzzled
Dear Seriously Confuzzled,
This is the sad aftermath of bullying. Even when the situation stops, survivors of bullying can suffer from serious self-esteem issues. And these feelings can continue for weeks, months or even years (as in your case), if nothing is done to change them.
I'm glad that you're ready for a change, and that you're seeking help to do it. You have been hiding your true self for so long (understandably, since it used to get you criticized), that you probably don't have a great sense of who you really are, what you want, and what your wishes and goals are in life.
I recently gave another girl some advice about doing a "survey" on herself - and I think it's a helpful tool for you, too. What I recommended was, write a survey and come up with questions that you would ask someone else to find out everything about them. (Imagine that you're interviewing your hero, or a celebrity you admire, to come up with the questions).
Be creative - in addition to questions about what’s your favorite movie, color, girl’s name, boy’s name, thing to do in your free time, etc - include thoughtful questions like what is your ideal romantic partner like, what 3 things do you believe in more than anything, what would be your personal motto, do you think of yourself as a thinker or a feeler, etc. Create a whole survey, then take it yourself! Write as much as you want for each question, don’t limit yourself to short answers. When you read over the survey after you’ve finished, I bet you’ll know yourself a lot better than before you started.
In addition to doing some self-exploration, you'll also need to work on building your self-esteem back up. You are totally worthy of being loved and admired for yourself - but you have to do that for yourself, first! Then you can believe that others will do it too.
This might sound backwards, but sometimes to build up our self-esteem, it helps to focus more on other people. That is, when you get all focused on how you're acting, and how other people see you, you can freeze up and get all self-conscious. It might help you a great deal, if you focused on other people instead, instead of thinking about yourself. In a way, self-conscious people are kind of "conceited", because they focus totally on how they must appear to others. The trick is, stop thinking about how YOU look when you talk to people, and start thinking about how to help the OTHER person feel and look good. Compliment the other person, ask them questions about their opinions or what they’re up to. Try to bring them out. Concentrate on what they're saying, think about what they're saying, so that rather than respond with a shrug, you can respond with a real answer - an opinion, an answer, a comment... and that’s how friendships develop.
Whatever you do, stop putting on an act. Don’t try to guess how other people want you to act. Not only can’t you guess, other people don’t have major expectations of someone they don’t know. They just wait and see who you are. So be yourself... I know you're "not sure" who that is, but just go with your instincts. If people don’t like it, they’re not worth your time. But chances are they will, and you’ll not only keep the friends you have, you'll make new friends too. Also remember, great differences can be the spark that creates a great friendship. If you like different music or clothes or whatever than the person you’re talking to, don’t put down what they like, but say "that’s cool, but I am so different!" They will see you as someone who has her own opinions and doesn’t just change to be like everyone else... and that makes you seem really cool.
As for your crush on your guy friend, don't just go blurting out your feelings! There's a better way to go about it. Check out my article on friend hook-ups (click here) for more details.
Don’t give up, and take it one step at a time. Remind before you go off to school each morning of one thing you're going to try to feel less self-conscious. Look at yourself in the mirror in the morning and tell yourself, "I'm a good person. I can be happy. I'm worth being loved." Yep, it sounds goofy, but nobody's going to see you. Just the person that matters... YOU!
