Dear Jellybean,
My best friend and I have been friends for 2 years now, and back then we both weren't very popular and were by ourselves most of the time. But now, I have found some new friends, and I like them a lot (one of them I even have a crush on). The only problem is that my best friend is insanely jealous.
She wants me to ignore them and to just pay attention to her. Not only that, but she treats them horribly, insulting and cursing at them, and telling me how annoying they are. I only see most of these new friends and my best friends at lunch and PE, so I rarely get to talk to my new friends without my best friend popping in. My new friends have been very, very patient by putting up with it for the last 3 months, but I still feel horrible and like I don't have the right to talk to who I want to. I've talked to my best friend a lot about how much they mean to me, but she just wants me to forget about them. She hates being alone, so she doesn't even let me talk to my friends alone. Please help me with my clingy friend.
Thank you,
Madison
Dear Madison,
Your friend is clearly terrified of losing you to these new people - and she's waging a war on them, to win you. Unfortunately, what she doesn't realize is, your friendship is going to end up being a casualty of her battle plan, if she doesn't lay down her arms.
Okay, that's a far-fetched metaphor, but you get my meaning. I think you need to be really honest with your friend, because she just doesn't get what's going on. She thinks if she hassles your friends enough, and gives you enough of a guilt trip, you'll abandon your new buddies and stick with her, and her alone. You know that's not what's going to happen though - and she need to hear it directly from you.
This is the kind of thing that's terribly hard to say in person, so you might want to write a letter to your friend. Do begin by expressing how much you care for her and want your friendship to continue. Then get to the heart of the matter. You might try writing something like, "I would really like to spend some time with my new friends. This doesn't mean I don't want to spend time with you, because you are my most important friend. Just because I like other people too, doesn't mean we aren't best friends. But I want to have more friends, and I plan on spending some time with these people. It would be amazing if you would hang out with them too, so we could always hang out together. But even if you don't like them, you need to respect that I do, and that I have the right to choose my own friends."
Since your friend is insecure, it might help if you make time for special hangout time with her, without other people. You could invite her for weekend sleepovers, make study dates in the library with her on occasional lunch periods, and so on. Do all those little things that let her know you're still her best bud, like sending her silly texts, sharing your wishes and opinions with her, and so on. But don't give up a growing social life for her, if she keeps causing problems.
If your friend can't understand your feelings, and refuses to allow you to have other friends, the sad truth is that you're going to have to move on, and give up that friendship. A true friend wants us to grow and become the person we want to be. She doesn't hold us back, try to control who we talk to, or act meanly to people who we like.
So continue with your new friendships. Keep being nice to your old friend too, but if she can't accept and respect your feelings, work on slowly drifting away from her. After a while, you might end up with a great new group of friends, and your old friendship will fade away. This happens all the time, and it's kind of sad, but sometimes it's meant to be.
Hopefully your friend will come around, and accept your invitation to stay in your life, as one of many friends. But if she doesn't, don't feel guilty about it. Sometimes, even when we work hard at maintaining a friendship, we come to realize that it's not meant to last.
