Dear Jellybean,
My best guy friend and I have been having some real problems lately. He moved out of state about a year ago, but we've done so much to maintain our friendship: calling each other on a regular basis and staying in touch-visiting whenever he came into town. But over the summer, things got out of control. One of my friends sent him a text message from my cell phone saying something very bad, and he thought it was me; I told him it wasn't and he said I was a liar. Some nasty things were said, like that I always had something degrading to say to him-so he deleted me from his friends lists and stopped emailing me and calling me. For five months I never heard from him, and secretly hated his guts for saying stuff like that to me when I didn't do anything. Over Thanksgiving I got tired of always fighting with him, and honestly I missed my best friend-so I emailed him wishing him a happy thanksgiving even though things hadn't worked out with us. Since then he's been talking to me, saying he was sorry he said that stuff and knew I didn't say that to him and that he was just running away from his problems. He asked me to forgive him, but it's not that easy (which I told him) because of other summer events. We tried to talk on the phone instead of the internet, but it was very awkward for both of us. He then hinted to me that he wanted to get back together (we dated in the past) and that he hadn't met anyone and he truly liked me; when in truth I've attempted to move on from him but the relationships ended badly. I really don't know what to do, because I don't want to get re-attached only to have our friendship break again. I really could use some advice, and your site has helped me with so much! Please help!
-SOS
Dear SOS,
It's great that you and your friend aren't fighting anymore. But you obviously aren't back to your normal friendship yet. It can take time to repair a breach of trust, especially when mean things were said by both people. Give it time and keep working on it.
Talking by email and IM is easier than the phone, but my honest opinion is, it's not the same as hearing someone's voice. There are lots of subtle things in conversation that can get lost when you're just typing and reading words, and since you two have some repairing and rebuilding to do in your relationship, you need to bite to bullet and try to talk on the phone now and then. Otherwise, you could end up with a friendship that works only online - and while pen pal relationships can be enjoyable, I don't think that's what either of you really wants.
As for getting re-attached in a romantic sense, it doesn't sound like the best idea to me. He lives in an entirely different state, so even if you do decide that you like each other "that way", what are you going to do about it? Long-distance relationships are very difficult to maintain, even when the relationship has gone totally smoothly.
Be honest - are you clinging to the idea of dating your guy friend, just because you haven't found a guy you really work with? That doesn't mean he's the only one for you. It could just be that you're not choosing the right guys to date, or you're rushing into relationships because you think you "need" a boyfriend. The truth will be told when you find a guy you really click with - I have a feeling you'll realize then that your guy friend is nice, but not your soulmate or the only guy for you.
As long as you're both interested in working on the friendship, that's what I'd suggest. Keep emailing, talking by phone, and keeping each other up-to-date on what's going on with you. But don't put your romantic life on hold, or make any promises to your friend that might be hard (or unwise) to keep. Tell him you want to get your friendship back on track first, before you even talk about anything else. Good luck - I hope you two can work out your difficulties.
