KEEP HER AS A FRIEND?

Dear Jellybean,

I have a major confliction. In the summer of '06 my best, absolute best, friend and I got into a huge fight. We said some really nasty things to each other, all because she hurt me and I wasn't okay with it after, originally, saying I was. A couple months after that she called me up and we apologized to each other and I didn't really think much of it. For the next couple of months I kept calling her up and asking her over IM and email if she wanted to come over but she always had an excuse not to. It was really aggravating me. Over those same months we talked about what happened and got some issues resolved. But, my problem is the whole her not coming over thing.

She is a great friend and whenever we see each other we're always normal and happy with each other. But, I don't want a friend who isn't going to come over every once and a while. We go to two completely different high schools and she's ten months younger than I am, so it isn't as if I exactly get to see her every day, either. I'm not sure whether or not to keep her as a friend in my heart and wish that one day she'll actually come over, or to let her go and give up a good friend. Do you know what I should do?
-Kenzie

Dear Kenzie,

What is it, exactly, about the fact that she won't come over, that is bothering you? Are you bugged that you make an effort to go over to her place, and she never goes over to yours? Or is it that you want to see her, at your place or wherever, and she finds an excuse not to go?

If you two live far from each other, maybe you need to take the emphasis off meeting at your place. It might be better if you could figure out an in-between place to meet and hang out, whether that's at the mall, a movie theater, or even a mutual friend's house.

You don't say if your friend ever invites you over - if she doesn't, maybe that's partly why you're upset. If she does, and you make the trip all the way to her place sometimes, it's fair to say, "I came to your place last time, so why don't you come over to my place this time?" You can also invite your friend for events that take place at your house, like a holiday party, your birthday, and so on.

Are you the only one making an effort to get you two together? If so, you might want to mention your feelings to your friend, in a casual way. When you're on the phone you could say, "I miss you and would like to see you. When are you free to do something with me?" If your friend makes excuses, or can't seem to name a time, you can tell her, "I really want to continue our friendship, but I find it hard when you can never get together." Then you two can talk about what your hopes are for the friendship - whether it's going to be an in-person thing, or if you'll mostly stay in touch by phone and email - and if you're thinking the same thing.

Some friendships do naturally drift apart, particularly when there are issues of geography (you go to different schools) and age difference. Make the effort to let your friend know that you'd like to stay buds, and see how she responds. But friendship has to be a two-way street. If it becomes too much work, trying to convince her to hang out, it may be time to let the friendship go.