Dear Jellybean,
I have no one else to talk to about this. Everyone i've tried talking to hasn't really helped. Hopefully, you can.
So heres the story:
1 and 2 are BFFS. Me and 3 are BFFS, and 3 doesnt go to our school, which is cool. 4 is a girl who used to be bffs with 3, but 4 changed into lets just say someone else.
so today 1 and 2 come up to me and say "ok, we need to talk to you." i said "ok.. whats going on?" they said "Well, we dont know how to say this.. uhm, this is the past, really. it is. But. We kinda sorta thought that you were getting hot headed and selfish, and when we were talking to 4 about it, she told 3 all these lies about it, like, starting a hate club about you but thats obviously not true, and all these other things." blah blah blah.
i was obviously speachless.
I mean, i do everything in my power to NOT start fights. I dont gossip, i dont start rumors, i always help people, ALWAYS, and i'm ALWAYS nice to 1 2 and 4. ALWAYS! Like, im serious, i never want to hurt ANYONE. But what do they do to repay me? Start a hate club of me and .. and talk behing my BACK?
So i get home, call up 3 and say" tell me what 4 said." And she did. And 4 told her all these messed up lies about me. Obviously 3 stood up for me.
So now everyones saying i'm snobby? Ok i dont get this, jelly bean. Im so nice to everyone, i'm intrapersonnel, shy, so maybe i do come OFF snobby, but i'm REALLY not. Im not full of myself at all. I'm confident, but not overly confident.
So what do i do? Are 1 and 2 good friends? Is 4 worth even talking to ?
Should i work on changing myself, which is the last thing i want to do?
And i know i'm not selfish. I would be able to notice it. Im more nice to others than i am to myself!
Please help!
-Confused
Dear Confused,
Don't change yourself - unless any of the things these girls said about you made you stop and say, "Oops, that's kind of true." Nobody's perfect, and we can all use some self-improvement occasionally. But if you honestly believe that you're being the best person you can be, don't take the negative comments too much to heart.
This type of situation can really hurt a girl's feelings, and I'm sorry you got caught up in it. Unfortunately, it's also pretty common for a group of girls to occasionally get into a gossip-fest about one person. Usually, that's the prettiest, smartest, nicest person - because there's often more than a little jealousy mixed up in all of the talk. But it doesn't mean that 1 and 2 aren't your friends, because I think they are, and that you can all get past this hiccup, if you take the right approach.
My advice to you comes in a few parts. First, don't cut out 4 entirely, if she's part of the group. There is an old saying that goes, "Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer." It may sound a bit ruthless, but basically it's good advice. In this situation, it means to be polite to 4, but just polite. Don't share anything resembling a secret with her (she obviously has a big mouth), but also don't give her any excuse to say anything against you, by being perfectly nice.
Secondly, talk to 1 and 2. Tell them that you've been doing a lot of thinking about what they said, because it really shocked you. Say that all you want is to be an awesome friend to them, and ask if there's anything you can do to be a better friend. Really listen if they have any suggestions, and try to keep an open mind. Tell your friends that from now on, you hope you can all talk about your feelings in the open, to each other, and make a promise not to talk behind each others' backs anymore. Like if they think you're acting selfish, they should mention something to you, so you have a chance to change (or defend yourself). And you'll do the same thing too, in case you don't like they way that they're acting.
Third, keep 3 super-close. Obviously, this is your BFF who has your back, and who you can totally trust.
I hope that this new spirit of honest communication will improve your friendships with 1 and 2. And hopefully once 4 sees that you're all good buds again, she'll give up and go cause drama in some other group. Good luck!
