SHE'S A CLINGY FRIEND

Dear Jellybean,

I need major friend advice! Whenever I become good friends with someone, sometimes I get clingy because I don't want to feel left out when everyone is in a "circle" and a couple of times I've lost friends because of it! I don't know why I do this or how to stop it; and I want to be able to not feel left out, but not be clingy either. Also, how can I be more confident in myself?
-Clingy Girl

Dear Clingy Girl,

Clingy is not a great attribute - as you've discovered, it can drive friends away. So it's great that you want to work on changing this.

You might want to start by taking some time to think about just why you are clingy. Some people are clingy because they are insecure - they don't think anyone who really knows them, would want to be friends with them. This kind of person clings on to others, constantly trying to take the temperature of the friendship, and make sure they're still being accepted.

Other people are clingy because they have trust isues. Maybe they've had a bad experience before, with being ditched by a friend (or even a parent or boyfriend, in some cases), so they think that everyone they befriend will dump them too.

Still others are clingy because they're controllers. This type of person has the need to control every situation, and may be self-involved. They believe everyone is always judging them and thinking about them. They fear not being part of every get-together, because of what others might say about them when they're not around.

Do you recognize yourself in any of these profiles, or even more than one? If you are insecure, work on boosting your self-esteem so you don't need constant reassurance from others. (Get tips in Myjellybean.com's article Love You!)

If you have problems trusting others, realize that the person who hurt you is just one person. It wasn't your fault, and it doesn't mean everyone else is going to act like that. Give people the benefit of the doubt, and don't judge them by the actions of someone they probably never even met.

Are you the controlling one, who thinks others gossip about you when you're not present? If so, you need to stop worrying, because nobody else is. You may think you're the most fascinating subject around, but the truth is, others don't. They're not thinking about you when you're not there, in a positive or negative way. They're thinking about themselves and just doing their own stuff. That's what people do.

Work on becoming a better friend, and giving people some space. If you feel yourself obsessing, take that energy and direct it inwards, instead of outwards. Do something to boost your confidence, whether that's writing yourself a letter that lists all the good things about you, voluntering with others to show yourself that you can help change the world around you, or taking a class or joining a team that helps give you pride in what you can do.