Dear Jellybean,
I have a bullying problem with my friends except i am the bully. i think i am a control freak and don't like it because in time my friends will hate me.
i make fun of them for jokes but sometimes i take it too far and upset them. if they don't do something i want them to i blackmail them by saying things like "do it or you love ---" and the person i usually say that they would love is a minger who they hate. also, i sometimes spread rumours about them as a joke but i take that too far as well. i also use the blackmails like "do it or i will tell so and so you want to go out with them". i have noticed that my friends ask me before they do something and it feels like i am their leader which i don't like cause i don't want to boss them around. in fact i actually asked out someone for my friend even though they don't even like them! please help me before its too late and i am friendless!!
-Zoe
Dear Zoe,
The person you have described - meaning you - is a pretty horrible bully. You may be getting your way now, but every dictator has their come-uppance. What goes around does eventually come around, and when you get yours, it's not going to be pretty. In the meantime, you're doing a lot of damage to other people.
Is this who you want to be? I can't really believe that you're proud of yourself, or feel like a good person. In all likelihood, nobody else does either. Your friends may listen to you because they're scared of you, but deep down, they probably don't like you, and could even hate you. Yuck.
Maybe you get pushed around at home, so you do it to your friends. Maybe you enjoy the feeling of power that being mean gives you. But whatever reason you're doing it for, isn't good enough. There's no good reason to be mean to people, especially if they have trusted you with their friendship. You might as well step on kittens, or punch puppies. It's just a jerky way to go through life, and you'll end up friendless and alone eventually.
Ask yourself why you bully. It's possible that deep-down, you have low self-esteem, and bullying is the way you deal with it. Reading the Beat Bullying leaflet by Kidscape may help - it has good information for people who bully, as well as people who are being pushed around by bullies.
You need to start thinking about other people as being equal to you, instead of inferiors who you can control and push around. You're no better than anyone else - in fact, by my estimation, you're worse, because you're hurting people. You must make a commitment now to being a better person, before it's too late.
From this moment forward, make a decision to think before you speak. Ask yourself, "Is what I'm going to say true?" "Does it need to be said?" "Would I like it if it was said to me?" If the answer to any of these questions is "No", then bite your tongue and say nothing. Walk away from the situation.
It's up to you to change who you are. You made a great first step in reaching out, and asking how you can do this. Now the hard work of actually changing your behavior is ahead. If in doubt, you could start with apologies to those people you've been mean to, and a commitment to them that you're going to be different from now on. I hope you pull it off, for your sake and theirs.
