FRIEND HAS LOST CONTROL

Dear Jellybean,

Hi, I have a friend that has pretty much lost control. She is drinking, having sex, and I think she is doing drugs. It has really started to scare me and I don't know what to do. My mom says, she'll come to her senses sooner or later, but she hasn't yet. I just don't know what to do. Her parents are starting to figure out some of the stuff she is doing like sneaking out but, all they are doing is telling her to stop hanging out with the crowd of people she was hanging out with. She still is, but she is also hanging out with my other friend, and well my other friend is changing along with her. I have a feeling that she is going to keep, I dunno infecting all of my other friends, and its going to get hard to stop turning away from the pressure.

Dear Writer,

It can be scary when a friend suddenly changes, and I understand why you are upset by your friend's behavior. I think you should talk to your friend and tell her that you really want to remain friends with her, but you are worried about some of the stuff she is doing. You can also tell her that you hope she will educate herself about the risks of sexual intimacy, so she can prevent serious trouble (such as pregnancy, or STDs) before it happens.

Please remember that even if your friend engages in sexual relationships and you don't, it doesn't make her a bad person. She might just be seeking attention, and this is the only way she knows how to get it. That's sad, and maybe you could talk to her about that. But we cannot judge our friends, because it's not up to us to judge. We can only honestly share our opinions, and then support our friends through whatever troubles they encounter.

A cry for attention - or a wrong-headed attempt to "fit in" with certain people - may also be behind the drinking and drugs. Some teens believe alcohol or drugs will help them think better or more popular. Many teens use them to gain attention from their parents, or because they think drugs will help them escape their problems. The truth is, drinking and drugs don't solve problems. They simply hide feelings and problems. When a drink or a drug wears off, the feelings and problems remain - or become worse. Substance abuse can ruin every aspect of a person's life.

You can't control your friend's behavior, but you can give her these very good reasons for quitting drugs. If your friend says she's just "experimenting" and she's not addicted, you can't do much except for telling her how worried you are about her health and happiness. Also tell her how scared you are that drinking/drugs are going to ruin your friendship, because you don't do these things and you don't want to be influenced by people who do.

You'll have to decide if your friendship can withstand these problems. If your friend is a good friend in other ways - like she listens to you when you share your feelings, and doesn't just talk about herself - it's probably worth keeping. Your friend will just have to agree to keep quiet about her "out of control" activities, since hearing about them is upsetting to you.

Will she "infect" your other friends? If they have low self-esteem, it's possible. All you can do is to protect yourself, and keep the lines of communication open with your friends. Talk to them and see what they think about all this. You can even come up with ways to help your friend together, instead of being worried separately - because I bet some of them are worried too.

I want you to know that I think you are a very smart and amazing young woman. You realize, even at a young age, that sex is not something that should be taken lightly and you are brave enough to seek advice on how to deal with your worries about your friend. You should also feel very smart and special because you are not following your friend's lead. You aren't rushing into anything - either sex or drinking/drugs - just because other people do. You know that you're special enough without that stuff. That is really wise. Never think that you're "falling behind" your friend because she's getting all this so-called experience. In years to come, she will probably look back and wish she had waited longer to have sex, for someone who she loved. So you're going to be the one who feels good about herself in the long run.

Good luck to you. I hope your friend "comes to her senses", as you say, and I hope you find a way to stay friends.