TWO FRIENDS, TWO PROBLEMS

Dear Jellybean,

Ever since 2nd grade, my two friends, Courtney and Flynn, well, have been friends with me. We always hung out. Then, when we went to middle school, Courtney came to my school, and Flynn went to a private school. We still hang out all 3 of us, but not a lot. There have been times where we've had some major fights, but we got over them. The problem with the two of them, is that they're are soooo fun to hang out with! But, they're not classified as good friends. They don't return favors, or anything like that. For instance, I got my friend Flynn a card, and this squishy ball thing that glows in the dark (I thought it was pretty cool) and some money. Oh and I made the card also, it took me a while! And what did Flynn get me for my birthday? A storebought card and some of those chocolate coins. Am I acting spoiled?

Anyways, but yesterday, Courtney was out sick, and I called her in the afternoon to see how she was feeling, she said she wasn't feeling good at all. That same afternoon, she made plans with Flynn to go to the mall the next day. Here's the problem... they made plans to do something that Courtney and I already said we were gonna do together! What's wrong with this picture? They always do stuff like that and leave me out. It's really upsetting me... but should I not feel angry about this? Should I not be upset? Please help!!!

Dear Writer,

It's great that you take the time (and spend the money) to give people thoughtful presents. I'm like that too - I love searching for the perfect gift for someone, and surprising them with it on their birthday. However, it seems that you, like me, have some friends for whom birthdays are not such a big deal. I used to get hurt by this too, until I decided to just be realistic, and say, "Alice (or whoever) is just not that great at birthday presents, but it's no big deal. She's fun to hang out with, and that's our connection, so that's good enough."

Basically, you can't change people. In an ideal world, everyone would treat their friends as if they value them, by giving nice birthday gifts, returning favors, and so on. The reality is, though, that not everyone is like that. You have to decide if a friend's friendship is worth putting up with her limitations. If you decide it is, then don't complain (even to yourself) about how she's letting you down in the gift department - because in the long run, that's just not as important as the other ways in which her friendship adds to your life. At least, that's my take on it.

As far as feeling left out by your friends sometimes, that happens. Whenever there are three, two tend to seem closer, and the two can change (for instance, sometimes Flynn may feel jealous that you and Courtney get to spend more time together at school). If it's really bothering you, talk to them about it. Just ask if they had fun at the mall, then say something like, "That's awesome, I wish I could have been there too. Maybe next time we could all go together."