FRIEND IS DATING HER CRUSH

Dear Jellybean,

The thing that im e-mailing you about has to do with me, my best friend, and my crush. My crush is my best guy friend and i've liked him for about 2 and a half to three years now. He told me he liked me and I told him I liked him too, but he came out of a bad relationship at the time and didnt really want to date. And I respected his wishes. That was about a year ago. Just about two, three weeks before today, he asked my best friend out. She said yes, but the part that bothered me the most was that she KNEW that I liked him but 'forgot'. She basically screwed up her last relationship, but i'll not get into details but shes always complaining about she'll never go back there again or be 'used'. (She wasn't used in the relationship, she just made it up to have people feel bad for her and hate the other guy.) I asked my crush if he still likes me and he said yeah. Now my friend is telling me that I need to get over the guy and forget him cause he asked her out, although she doesn't like him, she only like the fact that she has a "him". And she told me so. I want her to be happy, cause her whole family situation isn't great, but she milks THAT for every moment its worth. And i asked her if she could tone it down while i'm around her and him, but she refuses. And she keeps asking 'oh, do you want me to break up with him?' but I cant say that I do, cause then i'll feel even worse than I already do. I really dont know what to do.

Thanks for your time. Leanne

Dear Leanne,

First, a little clarification. When your guy friend told you he didn't want to date back when he got out of that relationship, it might have been an excuse. In my experience, guys who like a girl will just go for it, even if they're still getting over someone else. He might have just used that line to spare your feelings, because he didn't really like you back in the same way you liked him. That would also explain why he didn't ask you out in the meantime, and why he asked out your friend instead of you.

So your friend didn't "steal" your crush from you, in that sense. I don't think you two were destined to be together anyway.

But wait. Your best friend DID break rule number-one of girl friendship, which goes something like, "Thou shalt not date anyone your friend is crushing on, even if she doesn't have a chance of getting him."

Then again, you have gone and asked your crush - who is now your friend's boyfriend - if he still likes you. That breaks a

girl friendship rule too, the one that says, "Thou shalt not make advances at thy friend's boyfriend while they are dating."

What a mess. You and your friend are breaking the rules left, right and center. Let this continue and there won't be any friendship left to save.

You want your friend to dump her boyfriend so you can date him, but you're fooling yourself if you think that's the recipe for happiness. Even if she did such an unlikely thing, you'd probably be totally paranoid dating him, thinking about whether he still liked her, whether he was comparing you to her in different ways, and whether she was trying to steal him out from under you, like you (basically) did to her.

You say a lot of unpleasant things about your so-called "best friend" in your letter. You mention that she made up a story about her ex, that she is using the guy you both like, and that she milks her family situation to get sympathy. If all this is true, I have to ask, what do you see in this person? You've described an unlikeable person - at least, you don't seem to like her very much. You might want to do some real thinking about whether you want to continue this friendship.

If you do, you're going to have to accept your friend, flaws and all, and stop talking about her in a way that's meant to bring her down. That's just not friendly. You also can't ask your friend to "tone it down" when she and her boyfriend are around you. People can't monitor their behavior because it's affecting YOU in a certain way - that is just unreasonable to expect. If you don't like being around them when they're affectionate, then clear out.

Yes, she should have played by the rules, and should not have dated them. But they are dating now, so you're stuck with that reality. It's time for you to make a choice: Friend or guy. If you want to stay friends with her, give up the dream of ever dating your crush, and go find someone else to like. If you choose the guy, then go after him, but know that you're going to lose your friendship.