FRIEND EXCLUDING HER FROM OTHER FRIENDS

Dear Jellybean,

Okay this is a long story, so brace yourself!

I've been friends with this girl since we were preschool age, like inseperable, BFFs. There have been little problems, but mostly our relationship has been pretty stable and equal. Just a few months ago, she met this group of fabulous girls, and a week later she introduced me to them. Things went pretty well for a month or so after that, all of us hanging out as a group and having fun together. But then she started acting a little strange, basically just giving me the feeling that she didn't want to be around me. To make a long story short, it got pretty extreme... she started excluding me from the group (un-inviting me to things without telling the others) and stuff like that. I kept asking what was wrong and finally got her to tell me... she said it bothered her that I was always there when she hung out with "her" friends, and she also said it would bother her if I started hanging out with them when she wasn't there. So basically, she expected me to make an excuse for why I couldn't hang out with the group if she couldn't be there, too.

At first I was just glad she still wanted to be my friend, but then I realized it really bothered me that she was expecting me to just stop being friends with these people, because they were "hers"... I didn't understand why she couldn't share them. I asked her why she didn't want me to be friends with them, and she said she didn't know why, it was just how she felt, and she knew maybe it sounded jerky but they were her feelings and I should respect them... she shouldn't have to explain herself, and the fact that she doesn't want me to be friends with them should be enough reason. Well, I guess what bothers me is that she's expecting me to respect her feelings but she isn't giving mine a second thought. I can understand wanting friends of one's own, but I feel like she's going too far, treating all of us (her friends) like possessions, and not people.

There's a lot more I could say but it would take way too long, so I'll leave it at that... I keep trying to understand, and opening myself up to her, but she's bluntly refusing to open her mind and she won't believe that my feelings are as important as hers, and that's making it hard to resolve this.

Am I really in the wrong? I don't know what to do! I could never do this to her and I never thought in a million years that she would do this to me. It's really hurting me. Please help.

Dear Writer,

I think this friendship has reached a wall. You know, some friendships are like true love, meant to go the distance and last forever. Others are like a fleeting affair, good for a while, but only under certain circumstances, and not for the long haul.

I'm afraid you're in a "fleeting" kind of friendship. I don't know why your friend wouldn't want you to hang out with her other friends when she's not around. Maybe she's insecure, and thinks they will end up liking you better than her. Maybe she told them a bunch of lies to impress them, and worries you'll accidentally blow her cover if she's not around to police what you say. Or maybe she's just small-minded and mean, and wants to hoard all the good people for herself.

Whatever the reason, if you decide to keep up a close friendship with her, you will have to respect her feelings about this. But you have to ask, why doesn't she respect yours, and what is she trying to accomplish by preventing you from making friends with her new friends?

Of course, you could always decide not to listen to her, and do what you want. (Hint: I'm suggesting this route). Hang out with who you want, and who wants to hang out with you, without letting your so-called friend boss you around. If she continues to have a problem, tell her you're really sorry, but she'll just have to respect your decision to make your own decisions about who your friends are.