FRIEND DOING DRUGS

Dear Jellybean,

One of my closest friends is developing a drug habit. If she was just smoking weed, or something like that, I wouldn't care too much, unless it interfered with her life, buts doing ecstasy every weekend. I don't know what to do, because I'm leaving for a different province in a week and I'm gonna be there all summer, and I've kinda been a voice of reason in her life, and I think she really counts on me. I don't want to come home to an entirely different person. I love her so much and don't know what to do. Her very best friend already told the teacher at our school who's closest to us girls, and nothing's been done about it, but the guidance councillor did come to me and ask if I'd been doing drugs on the weekend, which I denied. She asked me if I was concerned about any of my friends, which I also denied, because, at that point, I wasn't. I occasionally drink or smoke weed, but I limit myself to that, and most of my friends do, too. Even my dad says booze and pot are pretty much a right of passage. I did ecstasy once, and I never will again. It was a risk and stupid of me & I've made a promise to myself, and I feel no desire to do it again. Anyway, I have no idea what to do. Her life is so rough- her mom and stepdad have drug habits and her father's an alchoholic and her older sister pretty much does it all- sex, drugs, cigarettes, booze. & She can't really control those aspects of her life. I guess the drugs are an escape. I don't know how to help. Is there anything I can do? I'll be gone so soon...
-Helpless

Dear Helpless,

Yikes, ecstasy every weekend? Your friend may think it's all fun and games, but ecstasy is a member of the drug family called oxycontins. Overuse of this type of drug can lead to neurological disorders, brain damage and psychotic breaks. Your friend needs a wake-up call on how dangerous her behavior is to her future mental health. You might want to send her some links to information - you/she can check out these web pages:

Oxyabusekills.com
Brown University Ecstacy Info Page

I understand why you are worried about your friend. You should be worried. Maybe one way to deal with your problem is to read as much as you can about the long-term effects of ecstasy (at the links above, and elsewhere), and then ask your friend if you guys can talk seriously. Tell her that you love her, and you want to share some info with her. Then tell her what you have learned about ecstasy.

She may tell you that ecstasy is not addictive, which may be true physically - but it's known to be a very psychologically addictive drug. People who are psychologically addicted feel overcome by the desire to have a drug. They may lie about doing it, or even steal to get it. An addicted person - whether it's a physical or psychological addiction or both - can feel like they no longer have a choice.

You can't control your friend's behavior, but you can give her every good reason you can find for quitting drugs. If your friend says she is not addicted, challenge her to prove it by quitting for one month. If she refuses, she is probably addicted. Point that out, and tell her how worried you are about her. Also tell her you're scared that your friendship is going to fall apart because of her drug use, since it's making you feel awful and like you two are growing apart in your values.

If your friend agrees to your challenge and says she'll stop using ecstasy for a month, help her stick to the promise. Plan activities that keep you two busy and active - whether that is bowling or going to the movies or whatever. Offer encouragement and praise your friend for not using drugs. Tell your friend that she is really amazing and fun just the way she is. It may sound mushy, but maybe she needs to hear that.

You could bring up your friend's family. Point out how unhappy her family's drug habits make her, and tell her you're worried she's going down the same dead-end road. Tell her she's better than them, and has the power to make better choices about her life.

Your friend might be doing drugs to gain attention from her parents or because she thinks drugs will help her to escape her problems. The truth is, drugs don't solve problems. Drugs simply hide feelings and problems. When a drug wears off, the feelings and problems remain - or become worse. Drugs can ruin every aspect of a person's life.

Encourage your friend to talk to someone older and experienced, who can give her straight facts and support for stopping the drugs. You'll find phone numbers for free teen hotlines on the Myjellybean.com Hotlines Page - give that link to your friend, and let her know these numbers are free and the calls are confidential. You could even print it off and hand it to your friend, or slip it into her locker with a loving note.

Whatever you do, don't attack or judge your friend. Offer your help in a caring way, and if she gets defensive or angry, back off. Just let her know you're there for her, you want her life to be more successful than the people in her family who have screwed up, and you want to help her do that by avoiding heavy drug use.

Finally, be proud of yourself. I congratulate you on your mature approach to drugs and alcohol. You are a very strong young woman and I really admire your determination to stay away from the "dark side" of these. That takes a lot of strength, especially in the teen years and you are doing an amazing job. Stick to your convictions - and do your best to be your friend's "rock".

However, do know when you can't do it all alone. If you feel overwhelmed by this, call those hotlines yourself and get support, or talk to a parent or female teacher who you trust. Best of luck, to you and your friend. She's lucky to have you by her side.