Dear Jellybean,
Currently, I have the best friends I have ever had in my life. They are amazing and I love them to pieces. We spent the whole summer together and are just have the most amazing time. But one of my friends mom has been diagnosed with Lung Cancer. She was diagnosed last year, and her mom recovered. About 4 or 5 months ago, she was re-diagnosed.
And lately my friend (we'll call her Amy) has been acting really mean and inconsiderate. She says mean things about our clothes, she talks about herself non-stop, and she doesn't take our feelings into account. She's always been a little mean, but this time it's worse than ever. And when we tried to confront her about it (over e-mail) she freaked out and starting totally ignoring everything we were trying to tell her and Amy basically told us that we should be nice to her because her mom's sick.
She claimed that we never ask her how her mom is (which is NOT true), so my other friends ("Jane and Lucy") took this as an opportunity to say that she has been going through a tough time because she was raped. Amy ignored this completely and said "Well I didn't know, and thanks for making me feel even worse", as though SHE was the one suffering. This is when Amy told us that, this time it's worse, and her mom might only have one year to live. My other friends and I were so upset and apologized right away for upsetting her and told her that if she ever wanted to talk, she could. She said she forgave us, but never apologized for what she said.
Jane and Lucy are really upset (who wouldn't be when you just told your friend a huge secret and she just blew it off as if it was something that was making HER suffer) and my other friends are upset too. We can't abandon this friend in her time of need, but we can't confront her again either. She's beginning to get unbearable! Every time we ask about her mom she just rolls her eyes and grudginly answers. What do we do?!!
-Doesn't Want To Lose Her Friend
Dear Doesn't,
Your friend is grieving. She is in deep distress. She is losing the only mother that she will ever have, the person who gave her life and raised her, and who she thought had recovered. Her mom is dying, and her whole world is falling apart. No wonder she is acting out, and acting strangely sometimes. And you SHOULD be nice to her because her mom's sick!
Try your very best to be understanding of your friend. Do NOT "confront" her anymore - that is so aggressive! The poor girl has so much to deal with emotionally, another confrontation could send her over the edge. Think about how it would feel, if someone you adored was dying, to have people "confronting" you with this or that. You would probably think they were insane, to make a big deal over whatever, when you were dealing with losing a person who was part of your very heart.
Don't make a big deal about getting your friend to apologize either - she is not herself right now, she is a twisted version of herself. Grief does horrible things to people. And it is WAY harder on her, than it is on you. There will be plenty of time for apologies, and talking through all this, later. Right now, your friend is in crisis.
Try to realize that although your friend's behavior may be bothersome, the pain is causes you is pretty trivial. On the other hand, the pain that your friend is living with, on a day-by-day and moment-by-moment basis, is serious, intense and probably overwhelming.
You must try to support your friend, by listening when she needs you to listen, cheering her up when she needs to be distracted, and keeping your temper when she acts out. Be aware that what she wants and needs could change from day to day. So one day she might want to talk about things at home, and another day she could blow you off. Keep asking though, and keep letting her know you're there to talk anytime.
If your friend seems to be spinning out of control, or unable to function well at school, do gently let her know that there are places she can go to get help and support, from people who are experienced at dealing with the after-effects of serious illness and loss. Refer her to the free hotlines that she can call for one-on-one help (get phone numbers at this page of Myjellybean), or email her a link to the Teen Grief or Griefworks websites, which would be very helpful to her right now.
If your friend ever says something to you that seems mean, you can say, "I know you don't mean that" or "I know you're not yourself right now." You don't have to be a pushover. But you do have to cut your friend mondo slack right now.
I know it's hard to remember, when a friend is acting weirdly or aggressively, that she is going through something that's causing this behavior. But do your best to remember it, and treat her kindly. Hopefully, if you were going through the same thing, your friends would be understanding and patient, and stick by you too, without adding to your turmoil.
