Dear Jellybean,
I have a problem. Anytime that anyone asks me for anything, I can't say no. I give things away all of the time. And sometimes it gets me into trouble. But I just can't tell someone no. A lot of my friends come from poor families and I always feel bad that I have more than them. I guess that's why I always give them a ton of stuff and why I never tell them no to anything. But then other people see me giving things away and they ask for something too. I can't tell them no because that wouldn't be fair, and they would ask me why I gave the other person something and not them something. I can't tell them why because that may embarrass my friends. I usually wind up with nothing to eat at lunch because I always give it away to my friends and other people. My mom always get mad at me for giving away everything. How do I stop this problem I have? Thank you.
-Noooooooo! TT_TT
Dear Noooooooo!,
I know you mean well by giving things away, and you have all sorts of good reasons for doing so (like your friends being poor), but your charity is misguided. It may actually stem from a lack of self-confidence (as in, you think if you stopped acting this way then nobody would like you). And if your habit means you end up with nothing to eat at lunch, while your friends mow down on your sandwich and apple, it's also bad for your health!
First of all, let's get real about who you are. You're a girl who goes to school, just like the other kids. You are not the lunch cart. It's not your job to bring food for everyone. If kids are taking your lunch away, they are taking advantage of you. Think about this: Would you take someone's lunch, if it meant they ended up with nothing to eat? No way, you wouldn't. But people are doing that to you, because you're letting them. That's just weird, and it's wrong.
Basically, you're trying to be nice and please everyone around you, but you've wound up being a pushover. And while you may think this makes you more likeable, it doesn't make anyone respect you much. They just end up seeing you as someone who they can get stuff from. That's not friendship, it makes you vulnerable and leads to being taken advantage of. It is up to you to stop this cycle.
First, you have to learn how to be more assertive and start saying "No". You're going to need to practice this! Seriously, "No" is a very important word. Say it as often as you can, just to hear the word come out of your mouth. Say it out loud when you are alone. Practice phrases with NO in them, such as, "No, I can't give you any today" or "No, I don't want to do that right now". Try it for simple things first, then build your way up to harder situations.
Stop saying "Yes". Try to pause or take a breath before responding to someone's request. You may want to answer requests with, "Maybe, I'll let you know later" or "I have to think about that, I'll call you later." Use any phrase that you feel comfortable with that gives you time before you automatically respond with "Yes".
Ask someone else for something! This will be hard, but it's excellent practice for you. Even asking someone to borrow their pen, counts. Or ask for someone's help with something. It's all about letting others help you, instead of always being the giver.
If your friends get annoyed that you won't be a pushover anymore, let them. Don't give in and go back to your people-pleasing ways in order to keep friends. Do I really need to tell you that if they don't like you when you're not giving out freebies, they were never really your friends?
Learn how to be friends with people in a healthy way. Stop seeing others as "less" than you, just because they have fewer things, or less money. Form bonds on the basis of shared interests, personality factors, and so on, instead of over giving people stuff.
If your genuine friends are too poor to have the latest gadgets and gizmos, consider leaving yours at home. You can always listen to your iPod after school, and it's better than lending it out to anybody who asks on the bus.
Keep reminding yourself that it is perfectly acceptable to say "No" to other people. You don't have to be anyone's charity or pushover. In fact, you will command greater respect from just about everyone you know as soon as you start saying "No" and expressing your honest feelings.
