HATES HER FRIEND'S BOYFRIEND

Dear Jellybean,

I have this friend who deserves the world but her BF is a jerk and I don't think he cares he's cutting her out and she still wants him no matter how bad he treats her. I want her to know she doesn't deserve this but I can't tell her that with out her getting mad. and they took this brake and he didn't talk to her for a couple of days and they are back together but he says she is on proportion and the reason he wasn't talking to her was he was trying to teach her a "lesson" I think that sounds wrong. And I know that if she loses him she will be crushed and I don't think she will be able to take it. This will kill her if she loses him. What do I do as the "Best friend" How do I help her get though this???
-Desperate to help best friend

Dear Desperate,

You need to tell your friend how you feel about her boyfriend. Just know exactly what you're going to say first. You will need to be specific - it's no good just saying, "He's a jerk" or "He's no good for you". So gather your facts. Think about exactly what qualities bother you about her guy. Is he mean to her? Disrespectful? Controlling? Sleazy? Angry all the time? These are the things you'll want to identify for your friend.

After all, it's one thing to just tell someone you don't like who they're dating. But it's another thing to say, "He flirts with other girls", "You pay for everything", or "He thinks everything you do is stupid."

Find the right time to talk to her, do it alone, and do it in a friendly way. Start by saying, "You're my friend, I really love you, and I'm worried about you. I think you're being treated badly, and you deserve much better." Then go into your reasons. Keep them specific, and real. Don't exaggerate, just give her the facts.

The right time also means, not after her BF has done some rare, nice thing that your friend is gushing over. Be tactical: Talk to your friend right after her guy has hurt her feelings, or pulled another one of his bone-headed moves. She'll already be upset with him, so she'll be more likely to listen to what you're saying.

Do keep your emotions out of all this. While you may want to scream that your friend is dating a monster, this will just make her feel backed against a wall, and she'll end up defending him. So keep your cool. Be as cool and rational as you can while you explain why your friend deserves better. When she starts defending him, go back to your facts. Use real-life example of his bad behaviour from the past, as back-up examples.

This may not work the first time. If not, just tell your friend, "I love you, and I will always support your decisions. I'm just worried about you, and I felt it was my duty to say something." Keep being supportive, but keep up the message too, and re-visit this conversation every time her boyfriend does something to hurt her.

What if all this works and your friend dumps the jerk? That's great! Yes, she will be temporarily devastated, but she will live. People do. And the good news is, she won't be stuck with Mr. Awful anymore, and neither will you. That is, as long as you help her to mourn her loss, get over him, and move on. Don't let her take him back again, just because she's lonely or sad. Remind her that every time she does, he ends up hurting her all over again. She might find some help in the Myjellybean.com article Getting Over A Bad Breakup, so print that out for her.

Bottom line: You can't tell your friend what to do with her life. But as her friend, part of your "job" is to let her know when you feel like she's being mistreated, or taken advantage of. Once you've said your piece, she is free to do as she pleases. We all have to make our own mistakes. But we have to do our best for our friends, too. At least, you'll never have to say that you never tried to warn her.