A BAD FRIENDSHIP

Dear Jellybean,

I have this problem with a girl I know. We were best friends for like a half a year but then she kept lying to me about so many things that don't even make sense to lie about, like what guys say to her or just weird little things that I wouldn't normally care about, but the lies have been escalating alot. And she gets mad at me for such stupid things that I really have no control over, like if my Mom and Dad say I'm not allowed to do something she gets in this big hissy fit and tells everyone i'm a bad friend because then it would be too late for her to make plans with someone else, but it's not my fault my Dad and Mom said no. She also tries to change things about me, like the way I do or say stuff or the way I act, and then she goes on these big rants about how "People should love me for the person I am, and not want anything about me to change" she's a really big hypocrite. Anyways, there are more things but I won't go on about that.

All in all, she's a really bad friend to me, makes me feel like dirt all the time and we get into stupid arguments that she makes out to be the end of the world and gets mad when I don't end the argument. I don't WANT to be her "BFF" anymore. All she does is make my life worse. And we're friends with the same people, so I'm scared that they will take her side over mine or something. I don't want my friends to have to choose sides though. I just don't know what to do, and if you could help thankyou so much!

Love,
Angry and Confused

Dear Angry and Confused,

Being around someone who brags and lies all the time can definitely get annoying! There are a couple of reasons your friend might be acting this way. Maybe she's actually insecure, so she needs to build herself up with made-up stories. Since she brings up your "faults", this is likely - sadly, people who feel bad about themselves often diminish others, to feel equal to them. It could also be that your friend is awed by you, so she is trying to impress you. Of course, she could just have a giant ego, and coming up with ways that you should change your personality is her way of feeling superior.

Whatever the case, you don't have to put up with this unfriendly behavior. If you think there's a chance of mending the friendship - especially since she's friends with all your friends - you'll need to be truthful with this girl about how her lies and attitude are affecting you. After all, if you're bugged by her, others surely are too. And isn't it better that she hears it from you - in a nice way - than from someone else, who could say it really meanly?

You could point out that your friend's stories just don't sound believable. In fact, they sound like fantasies she's made up just to impress people. Then point out that by bragging and making up lies, she's not winning any admirers - in fact, she just seems shallow and is at risk of losing friends, including a good one - you. You could also point out that people just feel sorry for someone who needs to make up obvious lies to get attention. And pity is probably not the effect she's going for.

When you do talk to her, be nice about it and don't be sarcastic or mean. If you can tell her in a polite, civilized manner, then maybe she will get it that you are serious.

However, you should also be very clear with your friend that putting you down is NOT acceptable. If it were me, I'd probably take this friend aside after the next mean or hurtful comment, and say something like, "Hey, I don't know if you realize it but you really hurt my feelings back there." Then repeat exactly what she said, and exactly how it made you feel.

Tell her that as your friend, she's supposed to see the good in you - not focus on your flaws. If the only way she can make herself feel good is by making you feel bad, then she's not being much of a friend, and she needs to know that. Be positive about the good things in your friendship, but be honest about how her insults make you feel bad, and that you don't want to hear them anymore.

So your friend doesn't get defensive, you might want to act like you know she'd never do this on purpose. Saying, "I know you'd never try to hurt me on purpose" or "You probably don't know how it comes off sounding" will help. But do make sure she is aware what's bugging you, and that you don't like being treated that way. Ask her to put herself in your shoes, and (nicely) ask her to treat you with more respect.

If it keeps happening, or she doesn't take you seriously, and you feel that having this girl in your life is a negative influence, you have a couple of choices. You can put some distance in the friendship, by spending less time with this girl, and more with other friends or family. This is not about making a big, public break with this person. It's just about being less available to hang out, having other things to do, or not being able to talk every time she calls. That's an easy way to deal, but be less close, and it won't give your other friends much to react to.

But if you decide that you want to get this girl right out of your life, you might force people to choose sides. I'd love to tell you that this won't happen - that your friends are mature enough to "live and let live" and not get involved in other people's fights and friendship issues. But we both know that in reality, that rarely happens. People love drama, and they can take bizarre pleasure in choosing sides, and gossiping about "what happened" between two friends. So if you decide to end the friendship, try to be mature about it. Don't gossip about your ex-friend, don't reveal details or talk her down, since that's what you didn't like about her. When people ask, just say, "We just weren't working as friends anymore, but I wish her well" and leave it at that. With any luck, people will find a way to still include both of you, even if you can't be in the same room together anymore.