HER TWO BFFS ARE DATING

Dear Jellybean,

My friends, lets call them Tyler and Amy, and I have been pretty much best friends for a while now. I was friends with each of them first & they met through me and it's been sweet since.

Recently though Tyler and Amy started to like eachother and now they're going out. It's really sweet and I'm very happy for them because it's so cute but it's so weird now. I knew things would be different but I feel really left out and alone. Like when we hang out they hold hands and stuff and it's cute but I don't have a boyfriend and it makes me kind of sad and jealous. And I know that now they'll want to hang out alone but I feel so left out when they do because it was always the three of us hanging out and basically they're my only best friends.

Now Amy wants to do more with Tyler and less with me which is really not fun. And I've always kind of had this "thing" for Tyler but I guess it's my fault I didn't do anything about it. He always talks about her too and it's not so fun to hang out with him anymore because of it. It kind of seems like he doesn't want to hang out with me as much because hes going out with Amy. I don't get it really but thats how it seems.

It feels so much more confusing than this but do you have any suggestions on how to not feel so jealous and left out? And how to stay best friends with both of them as a whole and seperately?

Thanks so much,
Left out

Dear Left out,

This is a toughie, and it happens all the time. You're dealing with a couple of different friendship dramas here, each of which is hard enough in itself. First, your girl BFF has a new boyfriend, and she's not available as often to hang out with you. Second, your guy BFF is doing the same thing, and is also less available. Third, both your BFFs have romance on the brain, so even when you hang with them, the conversation is - let's be honest - less than fascinating, and probably not much about you. And fourth, your social system has been turned upside down, because your two BFFs changed the dynamic by starting to date.

Whew! That's a lot of change all at once. It's natural for you to feel left out, and a bit jealous. What important to realize is, your friends didn't change everything because of you. I'm sure they still care for you as much as ever. It's just that they're so wrapped up in their new relationship, they're all full of love hormones and not thinking with their brains. It may not even have occured to them that you might be feeling weird, or jealous, or left out because of all this. They're just all about themselves right now.

I think there are a couple of things you can do, to make this situation more comfortable for you. First, have a real conversation with Amy. I'm suggesting you have this talk with her and not Tyler, because girls just understand the emotional side of relationships (including friendships) way better than guys. When you can get 5 minutes alone with Amy, ask her if you can talk to her about something important. Start by telling her you're so happy for her to have such a great boyfriend, so she doesn't think you're going to say something out of jealousy. Then tell her you know it's normal that she wants to spend lots of "couple time" with Tyler, but you're feeling a bit left out of her life lately.

Give her specific examples of times when you felt like that, so she gets what you're saying. Tell her she deserves to spend time alone with Tyler, and you know they aren't leaving you out on purpose, but you have feelings too and it's hard for you that everything is changing. Then ask her if she can be a bit more considerate, and make some more time for you in her life. Again, be specific about what you want from her - more hangout time at or after school, phone calls, girls-only time or times when the three of you hang out, etc. The more clear you can be about how you want things to change, the better she can help you.

Be really sweet and nice when you say all this, but get your feelings across. Amy might be a bit defensive at first, but hopefully she will get where you are coming from, and let Tyler know it too. If you three are really good friends, you can work this out, and maybe even form closer bonds through all this honest communication.

When it comes to Tyler, you can use a bit more humor, as this is how guys communicate with each other all the time. If he starts going on and on about Amy, try rolling your eyes and saying, "Dude, I've met her. She's Amy, she's awesome, got the memo. Anyway, got anything else to talk about?" Then change the subject to music, or sports, or another shared interest.

As for your feelings of jealousy, do realize that Amy and Tyler got together for a reason. If it was meant to be between you and Tyler, it would have happened, with or without your making a move. Fact is, he chose Amy, and they're a couple now. That puts him off limits to you, for now and probably for a long time in the future, even if they break up. Besides, as you say, your jealousy is probably more about wanting a boyfriend of your own, than about wanting to date Tyler. It's easy to fall in love with the idea of being in love... but trust me, boyfriends are a lot of work too. You'll meet a guy when the time is right, but it's not something you want to rush into.