Dear Jellybean,
I don't know if this could go in the category of depression, because I don't exactly know what it is. You see, I am a puzzle, and no matter how many twists or turns you take you'll never find the true me, or that's how I feel. I don't know who I am or what my real personality is. In school, I'm the shy, kind sweetie, whom sucks up to the teachers. At home I can either be the hyper, psycho, blonde chick or the obnoxious, spoiled brat. Even though, I act like all of these, so happy, and kind to everyone, except when I'm going through a mood swing ^_^, I don't feel like that on the inside. It's so hard to explain...but to put it simply, I feel like I'm wearing a mask to cover my true identity. I have so much anger and sadness in me, and I don't know where it comes from. All I know is that if I let my rage and sadness out, then everything and everyone close to me will be hurt. Even though I smile alot, I hate to smile and I hate everyone, who acts cheery and kind, even though I act that way. I hate it when people act hyper, even though I act that way. I hate it when people try to tell me they love me or try to kiss me or hug me, even though it looks as though I'm happy when they say that. I'm so confused and lost about everything, and the world. For as long as my 13 years of life, this is how I've felt. Please tell me what you think of this or what you can make out of my supposed 'depression' or whatever you want to call it. I can say one thing though...I'd make one hell of an actress :p.
-Chelsey
Dear Chelsey,
You may not be aware of this, but most people feel like you describe... that they are a puzzle and a mystery, and no one will ever truly understand them. The search for true friendship and love - which we all want - is all about finding those special people in the world who will "get" us, and reflect back to us a flattering picture of ourselves. Now having said that, it is NOT normal or good to feel like you hate cheery people, or to walk around feeling angry and sad all the time. Just because I put your letter in the "Depression" category doesn't mean that's what you have... but you certainly are dealing with feelings of anger and misery that need to be addressed. These feelings will eat away at you if you don't express them. And trust me, they're going to come out if you don't find a way to vent! I suggest you find a therapist or counselor to pour out your feelings to. These professionals are paid to listen to people's feelings - including sadness, anger and rage - and a good counselor can help you find ways to deal with your feelings and become a happier person. You're right that if you unload your anger on those around you, you will just hurt and upset them. That's why I recommend counseling - it's far better to explode in front of a professional therapist, than to blow up at your friends or family and ruin your relationships. Talk to your folks about finding a professional to talk about your issues. For immediate one-on-one help, you can also find free hotlines in your country at the Myjellybean.com Hotlines page.
