SHE FEELS SO UNLOVED

Dear Jellybean,

I feel so unloved. I have the best friends ever, but I can't get anything in my head. I can't understand that people love me when they say they do. I just can't believe them. My heart has been broken, especially by my mom so it's really hard to trust anyone. I just wanna feel happy, but I'm not sure how. When I'm hanging out with my friends I can forget about all my problems, but sometimes it just feels like something hit me hard and I think about awful things and burst into tears, even during class.

I've been taking medication for depression and it's helping a little, but I still get upset easily. But before I couldn't stop thinking anbout commiting suicide. I was completely set on it and picking dates, but then I got help and I'm still here..so I guess that's good. I don't wanna be super confident and cocky or anything, but I'd like to have at least a litlle confidence. I don't think I have any. There is nothing I like about myself. I think I'm ugly and stupid and I can't stop telling myself that. I try not to, and I try to act like I have some confidence when I'm around people cause I know what I'm really like is a huge turn off.

People say things like "just stop putting yourself down" and they think it's that easy, but it's not. I've tried, I can't do it. I'm seeing a school councelor but it makes me feel bad in a way. I don't know what to think really cause my mom tells me things like "you have a mental issue" and "I feel like I've failed as a parent" which makes me feel awful, but I can't tell her that. The thing is she's my mom and I grew up believing everything she tells me cause she's well..my mom. so I don't really know if all of this is true or not. Some of the things she says make me feel terrible and hate myself even more. I hate the way I feel and I want it to stop. What can I do?

-Unloved

Dear Unloved,

Depression is a terrible disease. One of the worst things about it is, it causes the person suffering to blame themselves for their feelings. If you had cancer, you'd never feel guilty for seeing a doctor to get treatment, or feeling like you did something to get it. You'd just realize you had a medical issue, that you got it though no fault of your own, that only serious treatment and care could help you cure it, and that if family or other people didn't understand, that would be very tragic, but no reflection on you, or how much you deserved to get better.

So it is with depression. It is a serious, real medical condition that requires treatment - usually a combination of medication and therapy - to manage and, hopefully one day, cure. It's not your fault that you got it, just like it's not the fault of the other thousands of kids who contract depression every year. (For your information, by age 18, up to 20 percent of all teenagers have had at least one episode of clinical depression. You are NOT alone).

It's terribly sad that you've had an experience with your mother in your past, that has made you feel unloveable. It's a further tragedy that your mom is not being supportive of you getting better now. I'm going to tell you something: She may be your mom, and love you very much in her way, but she is WRONG if she thinks your depression is somehow your fault, or not something to be taken seriously.

You are facing an uphill battle. You are going to have to be very tough and strong to get through it. You have allies in this fight - your school counselor is one. There are other people out there who can help too, when your counselor isn't available. You'll find good resources on the Myjellybean.com Hotlines Page (click here) - the calls to these places are free, confidential and don't show up on the phone bill.

When your mom says she feels like she "failed as a parent", she is expressing a real feeling. But she's looking at the situation through a distorted lens. Your depression is not about her, it is about you. She might not be able to understand that, but YOU can. Take care of you, stop worrying about taking care of her, and do your very best to focus on taking every step available to get yourself better. It will be hard work, but you CAN get through this.

You have a special light inside you that shines through your letter - it is the light of a sweet, intelligent person who deserves to be happy. Don't let anyone, including yourself, cover up that light. Get help, and learn to let it shine all the time. My very best thoughts will be with you as you continue on this journey.