SUPPORTING A DEPRESSED FRIEND

Dear Jellybean,

I have a really close friend, and it seems like he's always depressed. He's an only child and lives at the other end of town, where there aren't many kids his age. His cousin passed away a few weeks ago, and he's absolutly torn. His cousin was like a brother to him, almost like a guardian angel. He doesn't want to talk about it and I completely understand that, but I'm very worried. Last year soemthing happened with his mom and a few other people and he started to cut. He doesn't anymore so I'm really glad about that! I try all the time to make him happy, and it usually works. But sometimes it doesn't. I tell his mom if anything bad happened that day at school and he's in a bad mood. (that is if I talk to her, he doesn't get home till 4). I don't know what else to do. Can you give me some advice??
-Worried Friend

Dear Worried Friend,

You sound like a great friend. Everything you're doing is awesome, from being there for him, trying to make him happy, and keeping in touch with his mom about his moods.

I know you feel like you want to do more, but a lot of the rest of it is up to your friend himself. He stopped cutting, which shows that he has a lot of inner strength to call on. Remind him of that, and also give him credit for being able to participate in solving his own problems.

Do know that you are not responsible for your friend's happiness. As much as you want him to be happy, you can't make him that way, and if he's sad or acting out, it's never your fault. As a friend, all you can do is continue to be supportive, be there to listen to him, or cheer him up if he's in the mood for that. That may not seem like a lot, but it's everything to a person who's going through a crisis. Your friendship probably means more to your friend than you could ever know, believe me.

So keep up the great work, good friend. Keep telling his mom what she needs to know, to help her son get better, because that is a big part of her job. And if you ever feel it's appropriate, when talking to your friend, you can also guide the conversation toward how your friend can get further support. You could recommend different places he could go for help and professional advice (such as a school guidance counselor or therapist). If your friend is a person of faith, you could talk to him about his spiritual or religious beliefs and help him explore how this might be a source of healing for him. And for those times your friend doesn't feel he can talk to his mom about things, let him know about the free teen hotlines that offer confidential help. Find these on the Myjellybean Hotlines Page.