HELPING A FRIEND WHO CUTS

Dear Jellybean,

My best friend told my mom and I a few months ago that she used to cut herself. I never noticed it because I never thought she would, she always seemed happy and everything, and she always wore cloth bands around her wrists which I just got used to as her style. Also, I didn't notice the sudden mood swings because she would be happy one second then sad the next and I just got used to it. She told us she hadn't cut herself in a while but she was still depressed. We didn't know what to do since she didn't want us to tell her mom (though her mom already knew and didn't do anything but yell at her). We made an agreement that we wouldn't say anything at all and if she needed to talk to anyone she could call us at any time that she needed to, and she has which is good.

I think I know part of the reason she's depressed though, she has a really big, obnoxious family and her dad's job makes him move around a lot. She doesn't speak her mind since no one listens to her in her family and so everything gets bottled up inside.

The other problem is is that she hates therapists and counselors and she won't take any medicine, even the ones for headaches. I don't know what to do because now I can often tell when she's upset or having "a bad day" as my mom puts it and I just don't know what to say. My mom and I aren't trained therapists so we don't know what to say except that we're there to listen but we can't do anything else for her. What should I do to help her?
-Truly Concerned

Dear Truly Concerned,

You're a great friend to be so concerned about your friend. However, as you say, you are not a trained therapist, and you can't "save" her. You may think you're not doing much by just saying you're there to listen, but actually, you're doing an amazing, important thing.

Many people get depressed. The ones who come out of it, and go on to lead normal, even happy lives, are the ones who have support. Since your friend doesn't have much support at home, from the sounds of it, the support she is getting from you and your mom is huge. For someone who's depressed, having a friend to listen and make them feel understood and loved, can literally mean the difference between life and death.

It is important, though, for you not to try and give your friend advice, or let her put too much burden on you to "fix" things. You can't do it. Only your friend can fix her life, by seeing a therapist (and possibly taking medication - since so much depression is caused by chemical imbalance). Encourage your friend to get over her hatred of therapists, and seek professional help. Let her know that you're always there for her, but be honest about how you can only do so much, since you aren't an expert.

My other advice for you is, YOU might want to call a depression hotline (it's free) to talk to a phone counselor about how to support your depressed friend. Even if your friend won't get help and support, that doesn't mean you can't. Being a shoulder to lean on for a friend with depression can be a very difficult and unrewarding thing. The experts at these hotlines can give you one-on-one advice, help you to find ways to sell your friend on the benefits of counseling, and just help you de-stress when your friend's problems seem overwhelming. Find phone numbers for general teen hotlines, and depression hotlines, on the Teen Hotlines page of Myjellybean.com.