Dear Jellybean,
There's this girl at my school and i really like her and she's gay as well but she's open about her "gayness" and i'm not. In fact, only my best friend and my other friend know and only because their gay too. I wanna become friends and talk to her but i don't know how without letting out my personal business. I don't want my mom to become all suspicious because she's homophobic as well as my family. I'm stuck in a serious dilema, please help me; I'm dying here. Thanx a bunch!
-Confused and Crushing
Dear Confused and Crushing,
There's being friends, and then there's being more than friends. If you want to become friends with this girl, you don't have to start by announcing your sexual preference. In fact, that would be downright odd. Why not start how you'd start with any friendship, with a smile and a "hi", or maybe an introduction by another friend who knows her?
Being friends with someone first, before dating them, is a great idea whether the person is of the same or the opposite sex. Either way, it's about building a relationshp that's based on mutual respect and like, before you get involved in a more serious way.
You "really like" this girl, but what does that mean? You're attracted to her and she seems nice or interesting. But does that mean she'd be the right person for you to date? Maybe, maybe not. If you start off on a friendship level, you will figure out this information before you lose your heart. This is a neat trick to avoid the pain of a failed relationship. Plus, since you could still think this girl is nice - even if she turns out not to be dating material for you - you might even make a great new friend in the process.
The other plus about being just friends first is, you're building a strong foundation. You'll not only have a better chance at making a relationship work, but you are more likely to you remain friends if the relationship doesn't work out. Maybe that won't happen in every situation, but if you are not friends first, there's a very good chance that you won't be friends afterward.
Also, when you think about it, a friendship is built on many of the same things that a great relationship is. These include trust, respect, caring, and a mental and emotional connection. In other words, a relationship is a natural extension of a friendship. By starting with friendship, you develop the building blocks that will allow your relationship to stand strong, to make you happy and to last. Plus, hello, being able to have a deep or hilarious conversation with a close friend, and then to be able to share physical affection like snuggling and kissing with them, is a great feeling! So start out slow, with just friendship in mind. See where that takes you.
As for your situation with your family, it's really sad that they have this prejudice. It's even sadder that it's not that uncommon. I strongly suggest that you reach out to groups and websites that give support to lesbian and gay teens, to learn how to live a life that makes you happy, while dealing with the difficulties of having intolerant family members. You can find free hotlines for Gay/Lesbian teens on this page of the Myjellybean.com site (the calls to these places are confidential, and won't show up on your phone bill).
You can also check out various websites for Gay/Lesbian teens online, including The Gay Student Center and About.com's site for gay teens.
In addition, there are great books out there, at the library or bookstores, that can help you navigate the process of understanding your sexuality, coming out, dealing with homophobic peers or parents, and more. A couple that you might like are GLBTQ: The Survival Guide for Queer and Questioning Teens by Kelly Huegel, and What If Someone I Know Is Gay?: Answers to Questions About What It Means to Be Gay and Lesbian by Eric Marcus. Check the "Teen Sexuality" or "Gay/Lesbian" sections of your local library or bookstore, or search online at Amazon, for these and more.
